A Speeding Ticket Only Marines Could Appreciate

Posted June 20th, 2008 at 11:10 pm in Listen Up Marines!

Speeding Marines Elude Cops

Two CHP officers were recently conducting routine speed enforcement when they got the shock of their lives. Officer Smith had just started his shift with the radar gun and was looking forward to serving up some tasty speeding tickets while a relieved Officer Jones went off in hot pursuit of some doughnuts and a potty. Both are blissfully unaware that the United States Marines are about to come calling. Out of the clear blue sky on a calm and sunny, Southern California day, what happened next is the stuff of Marine Corps legend.

A 300 MPH Marine Is Hard To Catch

Officer Smith suddenly does a double take when his radar gun alarm registers an unbelievable speed of 300 MPH - coming from an approaching vehicle! Thinking it is an error he attempts to re-set the gun but before he can gripe to Officer Jones about the department's cheap equipment - a deafening roar overhead of 8.5 magnitude envelops their cruiser and commences to give them both a good shaking. The radar gun had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near their location. Talk about a speeder with a head start!

Marines Blamed For Destruction of State Property

When the dust had finally settled and after Officers Smith and Jones have had a chance to change their skivvies, their Patrol Captain decides to file a complaint with the USMC Base Commander, reportedly to recover money for damage to a CHP patrol car and new uniform trousers, but I suspect he was just an ex-(fill in the blank) Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine basher. What he hoped to gain by filing a complaint against marine aviators is beyond this old jarhead but the reply to the CHP Captain is classic USMC speak:

Dear Captain,

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident as witnesses have now come forward and identified two bow-legged policemen leaving the scene of a smoking CHP patrol car with bent antennae, four flat tires, a bubble gum machine that will never again strike terror in the hearts of speeding Marines and a frozen radar gun.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the F/A 18 Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your officer's radar equipment and recognized it as possibly hostile in nature. The electronics in the jet's hostile identifier system (HIS) automatically sent a jamming signal back to the radar gun, disabling it.

Furthermore, as a result of an unknown radar signature (possibly hostile), an Air-to-ground SMART missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Marine Pilot Close To Launching Missile At Hostile CHP

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot in command of the aircraft recognized the situation for what it was, millions of taxpayer dollars spent on training kicked in and he was able to quickly respond to the missile system alert status, override the automated defense system before the missile could be launched and hit his afterburners to discourage further action.

The pilot would also like to pass along a few suggestions: he suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at low-flying Marine aircraft since the video systems on these jets are very high tech and can see right down to the powdered sugar on Officer Jones's tunic. Officer Smith, the cop holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your patriotism,

Brigadier General Chuck (Chesty) Pulleryourleg

Commanding, 1st Marine Aircraft Wing

PS. This little incident never happened of course but I love the tall tales that perpetuate the Marine Corps myth. All kidding aside, here is what Wikipedia says about the F/A 18 USMC Hornet, an incredible aircraft. Any marine fresh from boot camp would know it at a glance.